Instead of ranting about standardized tests, I wrote this screenplay. This is merely speculating on how they make the tests. Also, this is my first screenplay.
Nick-member of the Ministry of Education
Joe-member of the Ministry of Education
Fe- head of the Minstry of Education
Bo- member of the Ministry of Education
Dan- A janitor who works at the Ministry if Education
Red- A beggar
Alvin- The youngest boy to earn the National Artist Award. Mute.
Trisha -math teacher of Alvin
Thunder could be heard. A small office with one Windows 95 computer is shown. Joe is talking to Fe. Nick is reading a celebrity gossip magazine. All of them look like teachers. The camera zooms to the door. The door opens. Bo’s hair and clothing is really wet. He slammed the door omce he got in.
Fe: Finally, let’s start making the BCGQ.
Bo: Yeah. Also, the weather man gave the wrong prediction for the fifth time this week. Well, let’s get this over with.
Nick: Yeah, let’s make it as easy as possible. The less people fail, the smarter we look.
It will show a montage of them making the test on paper. Nothing extraordinary. They don’t touch the computer.
Joe: OK, we’re done with math and science. What should we do next?
Nick: I don’t know. We just need to reach ten subtests.
Fe: Let’s be more productive shall we? BCGQ stands for Bobine Career Guessing Quiz. What careers do we need?
Bo: Well, there are always entrepreneurs.
Fe: Great. Let’s add that. Now, who will make the test?
Nick: I know. Wait here. I’ll be back.
Nick rushes to the door. He slams it with excitement.
Bo: Let’s review the math portion while waiting.
Bo looks several items then scratches his head. He grabs a pencil and starts scribbling math equations. After a while, he starts biting the pencil.
Bo: Let’s just get some high school kids and ask them if they got the answer.
Joe: Great idea.
Fe: Now, what jobs are popular these days?
Joe: Call center agents.
Bo: Yeah, right. They talk a lot. How are we supposed to test them if it’s basically a written multiple choice test?
Fe: I know, we basically make a grammar test and call it Verbal Ability.
Joe: Alright! Let’s start making questions. What big words do you know?
Fe: Undoubtedly, we need a dictionary for this.
Bo: That seems big enough. Let’s use that.
Fe raises her eyebrows.
Joe: We could include that, but I was thinking more of undottedly.
Joe: Yeah, that’s what I said.
Fe starts massaging her forehead.
Fe: Fine, let’s use it.
Joe rushes to grab a piece of paper. He starts scribbling four words with the letters A, B, C, D at the right.
Joe shows them the paper. The camera keeps looking at the paper. The camera doesn’t move in this dialogue. The paper say the following:
Bo: Wow, these are good variations.
Joe: Pick the right answer. Hint. It’s not D.
Camera then looks at Fe. She slams her palm into her face.
Fe: D is the right answer. How about sentence construction?
Joe: Let’s make a sentence about the weather forecast. It’s about time people trusted the weather man.
Bo: Yeah. Let’s do that everyone has been whining about how bad our country is at predicting the weather. Let’s show them.
Fe slams her palm to her forehead.
Joe: Also, we should use a sentence from the magazine I just read. Really juicy material. Bruce Willis has a new scandal.
Fe: Well, it is grammatically correct. Why else would it be published?
Nick suddenly returns with Red next to him. Red is wearing torn clothes. His face has a bit of dirt.
Nick: This guy is going to write the entrepreneur test. Beggars know what is happening in the street, so they probably know how to run a marketing agency.
Fe: Are you stupid? They are beggars.
Nick: True, but they know how to survive with their own income. It’s about time we get someone capable to make the test.
Fe: Shouldn’t we get an actual entrepreneur to make this test.
Joe: Since when did an entrepreneur make a test like this? Besides, this guy dropped out if school. Bill Gates was kicked out of school.
Nick: Why don’t we just vote?
Fe: Finally, some sensibility.
Joe: Who wants to use this kid to write the entrepreneur test?
All the boys raise their hands.
Joe: We win.
Fe: Ugh. FINE. Get someone to write down what he’s saying.
Nick: I think I know who…
Fe: Bo will get someone else this time.
Bo: I’ll get him to come right now.
Dan suddenly appears in a cartoonish way. Plunger in one hand. Mop in the other.
Dan: Reporting for duty sir.
Fe: Just…just type down what the boy is saying. As for the rest of you, we need to harness the creativity of the nation. Find the creative types. I’m going to leave you guys for an hour. I’ve got a meeting with the president.
Fe slowly walks to the door. She slams it on her way out.
Bo: What’s her problem?
Everyone else on the room shrugs. Red talks like a bum. Dan tried to find the proper letters to press.
Bo: Dan, if you see a red underline just right-click and choose the first word that come out. Okay?
Dan: Yes sir.
Red: …buys once a week.
The camera zooms to the computer. The letters show ‘vice ones a weak.’
Bo: Oh yeah! Dan, open a new document.
Bo hands him a piece of paper. It says ‘hello’
Bo: Type that down and print it in a long bond paper.
Bo: Arial. Eight.
Red shouts repeatedly “Paper killer!”
Joe: What’s with him?
Bo: Dunno. Just tell him to finish the test.
The printer prints out a piece of paper. It says ‘help’
Bo: I thought I told you to type what’s written in the paper.
Dan: I did sir, but it had a red underline, so I had to right-click and pick the first word.
Bo: Computers. Always think they’re smarter than us.
Joe: Yeah, we rock at creativity let’s show what we got.
Nick: Guys, how are we going to test creativity in a multiple choice test? Don’t most businessmen steal ideas.
All of them walk around I’m circles. The camera zooms to the clock. It starts at 10:15, then the hands fast forward to 10:45. Random chatter could be heard while the hands were moving.
Nick: I know. Let’s get a random object and let them choose random uses for it.
Joe: Oh yeah!
Nick: First object?
Bo: Copper wires.
The three of them scratch their heads.
Joe: Just Google it.
Bo: Let us praise Google for saving us. To Google!
The three of them: To Google!
Dan stands up and leaves the computer. The three of them rush to the computer bumping each other’s heads in the process. Nick types ‘uses for copper wire’ and hits enter.
Bo: Let’s just copy the answers. Then we just look at the most creative looking one. Like using copper wires as a robot toy. That looks creative. Make that the correct answer.
Nick: We need paper!
He looks at the paper printed by Bo.
Joe: That is so ancient.
Nick: We need more people to write stuff down for us. We lack clerks, right? Why else would we be suffering from having to force Dan to type stuff down. We need more personal assistant. Let’s name the test ‘Clerical test.’
Joe: Nick, you’re a genius. Hitting two birds with one stone.
Bo: You’re right. The test will be copying stuff correctly unlike this piece of paper I printed. I even though of a question. ‘Which is correct?
A. Hello, Hello
B. Bye, Bi
C. Hi, Hb
D. Pie, Lie’
Nick: A, obviously.
Bo: That’s the gist of the test.
At this point, I realized that I suck at writing satire, so we will end their part of the story here.
Two months later,
A school for disabled people in front and center. A big tarpaulin saying ‘Alvin, youngest national artist of the Bobine islands. We are proud to say he studied here, even if he won for best silent film and we don’t even teach PR enourage it here at all.’ His picture is seen.
A teacher is distributing the BCGQ results to the students. Alvin received and read the results. He crumpled the paper containing the results and threw it. Trisha approaches him.
Trisha: Is something wrong?
Alvin made a bunch of hand signals. He then pointed at the crumpled paper with angst. Trisha approaches it. She suddenly covers her mouth when she read the result.
She throws the paper away. It flies to the camera. This was what was written:
You are among the one million children who took the BCGQ. You are fortunate for we will tell you your strengths and weaknesses.
You are horrible at creativity. You have the lowest possible score for creativity. You are better of with the not so artistic careers. Luckily, you have a very high score for Verbal Skills. You should be a receptionist, a call center agent or a secretary. We recommend you to take as many speaking courses as possible.